Topic 32 of 71: Sports humor
Sun, Feb 9, 1997 (21:58) |
Paul Terry Walhus (terry)
Sports humor.
15 responses total.
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 1 of 15: Paul Terry Walhus (terry) * Sun, Feb 9, 1997 (21:58) * 15 lines
There was a Packers fan with a really bad seat at Lambeau. Looking
with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line.
Thinking to himself, "what a waste," he made his way down to the
empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it,
"Is this seat taken?"
The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She
was a big Packers fan."
The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask
why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 2 of 15: Marcia (MarciaH) * Sat, Aug 28, 1999 (19:06) * 2 lines
Sorry to put this here, but there was no College Football 1999, and it would not allow me to create one...
PENN STATE 41 ARIZONA 7
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 3 of 15: John Burnett (mrchips) * Sat, Aug 28, 1999 (19:48) * 1 lines
I'm sure Dick Tomey wouldn't consider THAT sports humor, but Joe Paterno might...
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 4 of 15: Marcia (MarciaH) * Sat, Aug 28, 1999 (20:04) * 1 lines
...for the glory, as we Penn State alums say... It was a Bee-You-Tee-Ful thing to watch - a glorious day in Happy Valley, and I got to look out over the Vales of old Mt Nittany. *sigh* Never did like Dick Tomey much when he was at UH Manoa.
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 5 of 15: John Burnett (mrchips) * Sat, Aug 28, 1999 (22:16) * 1 lines
Tomey was a better coach than either Larry Price or Fred von Appen. The jerks at UH Manoa get what they deserve. They fired Dave Holmes after a 9-1 season. Unfortunately, he couldn't win the 11 games they wanted with only 10 games on the schedule. I wonder how Penn State will deal with life after Paterno (as they must sometime in the forseeable future--he is over 70 years old).
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 6 of 15: Marcia (MarciaH) * Sat, Aug 28, 1999 (22:55) * 3 lines
We do not think about life after Paterno. It is too dire to think about. We shove our collective heads deeper in the sand and hope...and sing "For the Glory of Old State..."
How do you think June Jones is going to do this year with his new guys and Von Appen's old leftovers?
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 7 of 15: John Burnett (mrchips) * Sat, Aug 28, 1999 (23:42) * 1 lines
People are looking for Mr. Jones to walk on water and I think they're bound to be disappointed, no matter what. A 4-7 season ought to be considered a success and people should be happy with it and let the man build a program. I hope the "powers that be" will let it happen, but I won't hold my breath waiting for fruition. The one good thing about life after Paterno is that whoever comes in does not have to build a program or name-recognition for the institution.
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 8 of 15: Marcia (MarciaH) * Sun, Aug 29, 1999 (17:28) * 7 lines
Re JJ: I do not envy him with the miserable bunch of leftovers he has to work with. I think some serious attitude problems will need to be addressed before he can even begin to make a cohesive unit out of them. I hope those making up
the shortfall in his salary (a cool million, was it?!) have enough patience to
wait three years for him to get the sort of team he wants.
Re: Paterno and Penn State -everyone knows who we are. We just are not
accepted as a good team unless we prove it every single Saturday. Then they
say the other team did not play up to its potential. Gimme a break! It is
time to include Penn State with Notre Dame and all the rest of the Big Boys.
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 9 of 15: John Burnett (mrchips) * Sun, Aug 29, 1999 (21:55) * 1 lines
I don't know why you would even think that people don't accept Penn State that way. I remember the last time I bet on Notre Dame to beat Penn State (must have been nearly 20 years ago when Paterno was a callow lad of fifty-something--I don't bet at all anymore) I went home with an empty wallet.
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 10 of 15: Marcia (MarciaH) * Sun, Aug 29, 1999 (23:23) * 1 lines
Sorry for your loss...and happy for our win. Delighted to find you older and much wiser now! Those who respect Penn State either graduated from there and are very protective of its reputation, or they have bothered to notice our quiet accomplishments without the Golden Domes, Gophers or anything else.
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 11 of 15: John Burnett (mrchips) * Mon, Aug 30, 1999 (12:38) * 3 lines
From 1976: Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in
Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: "It
wasn't as easy as you think. It's hard to stay awake that long."
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 12 of 15: Marcia (MarciaH) * Fri, Feb 4, 2000 (22:26) * 96 lines
from John:
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role
model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me.
I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I
want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother
to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run
over Joe's Mom, too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on
all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to
kiss good-bye."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State assistant football coach: "You guys line up,
alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three then
line up in a circle."
A Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of
academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be professor.
The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I
haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don
King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison
for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my
name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to
Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level,
except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We
can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just
can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach
Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a
baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching
sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract
negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of
Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One
player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a
nose in condition for football?" (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's
co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto
the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the
injured reserve players out for the toss next time."(1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at
Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was
that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought
of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to
Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was
going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."(1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son,
what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't
know and I don't care.'" (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, relating what he told a
player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject." (1987)
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 13 of 15: Marcia (MarciaH) * Tue, Apr 4, 2000 (19:56) * 4 lines
http://promotions.go.com/espn/mascots/challenge.html
The Nittany Lion won the mascot battle! It was so close.. 50.0 to 49.9. Could anything be closer? But, it's great that your mascot won and I'm very happy for Penn State! 56,763 people actually voted on this important issue.
Thank you, Barbara. I voted, too *grin*
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 14 of 15: NittanyLion (MarciaH) * Tue, Sep 4, 2001 (00:56) * 59 lines
A recent survey listed the top "party schools"
among the nation's colleges. The top 5 were:
5. University of Colorado
4. Florida State
3. University of California at Santa Cruz
2. Louisiana State University
1. University of Tennessee
"But Chris," you ask, "How can I tell
if *my* college is a party school?"
The Top 15 Signs You're Attending a Party School
15. Only three people show up to the 9:00 am Biology class --
and they all bring Scotch.
14. The med school just won the Nobel Prize for discovering a
hangover cure.
13. Bookstore's most popular item? The Double XXX: a porn video
and 3 tabs of Ecstasy.
12. Crowds at football games are entertained by the sideline
antics of the mascot in a giant foam-rubber Charlie Sheen
costume.
11. They let you redeem Mardi Gras beads for classroom credit.
10. Calculus final exam problem begins with: "One hundred bottles
of beer on the wall..."
9. Tuition: $3,250; Books: $510; Bail: $17,900
8. Your school's Alcohol Awareness Counselor: Bud Miller.
7. You can work your way off Academic Probation by chugging
a sixer of Meister Brau in front of the Dean.
6. All of the triple-beam scales have been liberated from the
Chemistry lab.
5. You're chosen as commencement speaker at your own graduation
because you can recite the entire Greek alphabet in one burp.
4. Jell-O shots are half price during Sunday morning chapel
services.
3. Question 4 on the Admissions application:
"You're not a cop, are you?"
2. Someone seems to have taken the alcohol used to preserve
the lab's deformed calf fetus.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign
You're Attending a Party School...
1. Bill Clinton gave the commencement address in June --
and hasn't left yet.
Topic 32 of 71 [sports]: Sports humor
Response 15 of 15: Cheryl Brugette (CherylB) * Fri, Sep 13, 2002 (14:00) * 32 lines
SPORTS SPEECH BLUNDERS
1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
10. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
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